So, This Is It

 Saturday, 2/24/24 That's right. I started documenting my journey on day four of the Pause. I intended to go back and fill in days one through three, but the truth is, I don't have to. This pause is not about going back and changing what I did or did not do up until now. It's also not necessarily about making a plan for the future, which is instinctual for me. But rather, this Pause is to give myself a chance to take a breath. Accept what is. And love myself. First thing this morning I was awoken by Piper. She was letting me know I had to take my medicine. I was getting a migraine, and through my messed up dreams I kept ignoring the actuality of what had to be done to take care of real-life me. So Piper pawed at me until I woke up and took my meds. Then we both settled back in and really rested. I am so eternally grateful for her. I truly know what love is because of her. She is an angel, light, love, and all things good in the world. I have told Piper that this week is Mam...

​I think we feel similar to the folks going through the First World War. The entire world is scared of a new threat. Everyone is scared to go outside and that at any moment a love one will be dead. For those still alive, all their dreams have died instead.  I’m the beginning we have hope that we won’t be  existing like this for too long, but  life isn’t normal and won’t be for a long time.   You could say that the world wars could not be felt the same because they were a result of choices made by man. But the virus attacks like a soldier given orders every time man chooses to ignore a sore throat. Each day you must decide if you will help others over yourself and the alliances formed break apart families and lovers. You may decide to stay alone in your bunker to save your life but loneliness slowly kills you instead. You start to question the reason for such challenges and how much life is really worth.

​who am I?  No, the question is not Who do I want to be ?  It is Who am I? You can’t be truly happy until you are at peace with who you are. I am kind…but sometimes I am selfish. I am a woman… but sometimes I think about what it would be like to be a man. I am smart…but sometimes I think about how stupid I am. I am funny… But some people don’t laugh. I am clean… except sometimes I smell bad.  Is it just me who thinks it smells bad? I am honest… but sometimes I lie. I am ambitious… but sometimes I don’t stand. I am thoughtful…but worry so much. I am patient…except when I’ve had too much.  I am optimistic… except for the depression. But. Except. Sometimes.  Does that make me someone else? I am fat. I am poor. I am anxious. I am timid. I am mediocre. No Buts. Excepts. Or sometimes. Where is peace? 

 As I sit here with my Piper by my side I think, So, this is it? This is life. I have been striving so hard my as long as I can remember for the next best thing. To be better. For greatness. But I'm sitting here alone on my porch in my low-level apartment. I don't have a partner and lately I don't want one. No kids and none on the horizon. I've got some close friends and family, but all with their own lives. I've got a job that I mostly like but will take as much as it can. So I sit and contemplate how grateful I am for my sweet dog and a family that hasn't completely fucked me. I inhale the grass and focus on the distant sounds of train whistles and city traffic. There is a slight breeze. So, this is it?

 Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any schoolwork to do. That in the extra time I had at night I could get more work done (like for my job) or GOD FORBID relax without feeling like I'm wasting time. Guilty for not doing something I should be doing. But I'm so close to completing this degree and I will be so freaking proud when *and I almost edited this out* I can tell people I have a Masters Degree from Penn State University. I EARNED THIS. I thought it sounded bad to say that it was so I could tell people, but it is partially true. I will be proud that I worked that hard and accomplished it, but part of that in reality is being able to share that with others. Having that framed degree on my wall that says "hey, I worked really hard and earned something." Maybe that is because most of the time I work really hard and don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I don't have a better job, salary, house, partner, car, bank account, physical well-being, o...

 In my first post, I wrote as if the intention was for audiences to come along this journey with me. However, I realize that this journey really needs to be for myself. The real challenge for me is being okay with who I am. I need to be able to write without criticizing every word and talk without pausing to make sure everything I say is perfect. I am okay the way I am. It’s starting to get out of control. So while this can be read by others, the intention of this blog is really for me to be able to display who I am without criticism. One statement that I need to be okay with is that I won’t write here every day. That is okay. I won’t be perfect about writing my STATS. I really struggled with depression today. When I woke up I thought about taking the day off from work. Throughout the day I thought about saying I had a “headache” and actually just sleeping. I think about this a lot but I rarely ever do it. The story of the boy who cried wolf gets to my moral compass too much to do ...