The Pause - Day 5/14

-

Today is my Grandmother's wake. She died one week ago today. I have not shed any tears or felt bad about her passing. I can't tell if it's because I have already grieved or if it doesn't feel real. Probably a combination of both. I felt like I lost her a long time ago when Pop-Pop died and Aunt Nancy became her gate keeper. Shortly after, the dementia started. Last night, my mom said she couldn't remember the names of some of the folks she expected to see at the funeral, and that worried me. I know in my heart she has already showed signs of dementia herself. And maybe I do too. 

I am feeling okay about taking care of myself today, mostly because the scale showed movement when I treated myself with respect. However, I have less energy / motivation than yesterday. The "shoulds" are creeping in. Instead of discovery, I already have set expectations that I should be meeting. What will I accomplish today?

  • Will I respond to everyone who reaches out to me? 
  • Will I exert enough physical activity, and 
  • will I complete enough yoga modules? 
  • Will I help Tim with plane tickets, and
  • will I get the house ready for Tim to visit? 
  • Will I support everyone enough during the funeral today.
  • Will I find another way to work? 
  • Will I stay in my job?
But I need to remind myself that my worth is not rooted in my productivity. 
MY WORTH IS NOT ROOTED IN MY PRODUCTIVITY. 
This time is specifically for me to rest. To find ground for my feet to stand on.



When I think of my Raleigh home, I think of grayness and smallness. Like I'm enclosed and held back. Everywhere is populated and I can't ever have space. But ironically I don't feel that way at the house in Conway. I know that I like having the bedroom upstairs, because I feel safe and isolated. I can tell that the warm weather (60-70s) has a direct positive impact on my mood. I also really like this house. It is in a neighborhood I like to walk in, and near lots of outdoor spots to get my nature in with Piper. The beach is close by, and the pool is down the street. If my parents found another home suitable for them, I would move here right away. 

I think I might need to leave Raleigh and move back to myrtle beach. What job can I set myself up with to do that? I can certainly teach yoga here, but it won't give me health insurance.

I'll do the best I can today.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

who am I?

-
​who am I?  No, the question is not Who do I want to be ?  It is Who am I? You can’t be truly happy until you are at peace with who you are. I am kind…but sometimes I am selfish. I am a woman… but sometimes I think about what it would be like to be a man. I am smart…but sometimes I think about how stupid I am. I am funny… But some people don’t laugh. I am clean… except sometimes I smell bad.  Is it just me who thinks it smells bad? I am honest… but sometimes I lie. I am ambitious… but sometimes I don’t stand. I am thoughtful…but worry so much. I am patient…except when I’ve had too much.  I am optimistic… except for the depression. But. Except. Sometimes.  Does that make me someone else? I am fat. I am poor. I am anxious. I am timid. I am mediocre. No Buts. Excepts. Or sometimes. Where is peace? 
Read more

So This Is It?

-
Image
 As I sit here with my Piper by my side I think, So, this is it? This is life. I have been striving so hard my as long as I can remember for the next best thing. To be better. For greatness. But I'm sitting here alone on my porch in my low-level apartment. I don't have a partner and lately I don't want one. No kids and none on the horizon. I've got some close friends and family, but all with their own lives. I've got a job that I mostly like but will take as much as it can. So I sit and contemplate how grateful I am for my sweet dog and a family that hasn't completely fucked me. I inhale the grass and focus on the distant sounds of train whistles and city traffic. There is a slight breeze. So, this is it?
Read more

I earned this.

-
Image
 Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any schoolwork to do. That in the extra time I had at night I could get more work done (like for my job) or GOD FORBID relax without feeling like I'm wasting time. Guilty for not doing something I should be doing. But I'm so close to completing this degree and I will be so freaking proud when *and I almost edited this out* I can tell people I have a Masters Degree from Penn State University. I EARNED THIS. I thought it sounded bad to say that it was so I could tell people, but it is partially true. I will be proud that I worked that hard and accomplished it, but part of that in reality is being able to share that with others. Having that framed degree on my wall that says "hey, I worked really hard and earned something." Maybe that is because most of the time I work really hard and don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I don't have a better job, salary, house, partner, car, bank account, physical well-being, o...
Read more