I earned this.

 Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any schoolwork to do. That in the extra time I had at night I could get more work done (like for my job) or GOD FORBID relax without feeling like I'm wasting time. Guilty for not doing something I should be doing. But I'm so close to completing this degree and I will be so freaking proud when *and I almost edited this out* I can tell people I have a Masters Degree from Penn State University. I EARNED THIS. I thought it sounded bad to say that it was so I could tell people, but it is partially true. I will be proud that I worked that hard and accomplished it, but part of that in reality is being able to share that with others. Having that framed degree on my wall that says "hey, I worked really hard and earned something." Maybe that is because most of the time I work really hard and don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I don't have a better job, salary, house, partner, car, bank account, physical well-being, or mental well-being than anyone else for all the hard work I put into trying to get those things. I am grateful for not having to suffer for material things -- I have everything I need and the love of my family and a small circle of very good friends. And of course... my dog. And I have worked really hard to maintain those relationships. But this seems like something I'm getting in return for lots of labor and I just feel really proud of it. I'm glad I wrote this out because I started off feeling as if I was burdened by this extra work and now I feel proud that I am so close to earning something incredible. 

Last night I was feeling so low because of all of that anger but I did a meditation with the intention of letting go of toxic energy. It helped so much. It guided me to identify where the toxic energy was manifesting, which was in my core (stomach and chest) and then imagine it swirling there like lava. As I breathed out, I would let the hot toxins out a little at a time. It took a while to get it out but I felt so much better today. When I awoke, I was determined to get out of my funk and dark apartment so I put on makeup and went to the library where I worked all day along side the glass windows. I will not let the toxic energy of others beat me.