So, This Is It

Today is my Grandmother's wake. She died one week ago today. I have not shed any tears or felt bad about her passing. I can't tell if it's because I have already grieved or if it doesn't feel real. Probably a combination of both. I felt like I lost her a long time ago when Pop-Pop died and Aunt Nancy became her gate keeper. Shortly after, the dementia started. Last night, my mom said she couldn't remember the names of some of the folks she expected to see at the funeral, and that worried me. I know in my heart she has already showed signs of dementia herself. And maybe I do too.  I am feeling okay about taking care of myself today, mostly because the scale showed movement when I treated myself with respect. However, I have less energy / motivation than yesterday. The "shoulds" are creeping in. Instead of discovery, I already have set expectations that I should be meeting. What will I accomplish today? Will I respond to everyone who reaches out to me?  Will...

 Saturday, 2/24/24 That's right. I started documenting my journey on day four of the Pause. I intended to go back and fill in days one through three, but the truth is, I don't have to. This pause is not about going back and changing what I did or did not do up until now. It's also not necessarily about making a plan for the future, which is instinctual for me. But rather, this Pause is to give myself a chance to take a breath. Accept what is. And love myself. First thing this morning I was awoken by Piper. She was letting me know I had to take my medicine. I was getting a migraine, and through my messed up dreams I kept ignoring the actuality of what had to be done to take care of real-life me. So Piper pawed at me until I woke up and took my meds. Then we both settled back in and really rested. I am so eternally grateful for her. I truly know what love is because of her. She is an angel, light, love, and all things good in the world. I have told Piper that this week is Mam...