My Mid-Life Pause - Day 4 / 14

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 Saturday, 2/24/24


That's right. I started documenting my journey on day four of the Pause. I intended to go back and fill in days one through three, but the truth is, I don't have to. This pause is not about going back and changing what I did or did not do up until now. It's also not necessarily about making a plan for the future, which is instinctual for me. But rather, this Pause is to give myself a chance to take a breath. Accept what is. And love myself.


First thing this morning I was awoken by Piper. She was letting me know I had to take my medicine. I was getting a migraine, and through my messed up dreams I kept ignoring the actuality of what had to be done to take care of real-life me. So Piper pawed at me until I woke up and took my meds. Then we both settled back in and really rested. I am so eternally grateful for her. I truly know what love is because of her. She is an angel, light, love, and all things good in the world. I have told Piper that this week is Mama & Piper week. She heals every part of me. 

Next I opened up a dating app, with the intention of having new experiences without worry or holding myself back. I updated my pictures to make sure they really reflected who I am now (showing bloat in my face) and then updated my bio to set expectations. I actually wrote that I "require" honesty, respect, and intelligent communication. I am finally in a place where I can require what I need and not settle for anything less. 

Next I finally got the courage to weigh myself and accept whatever the scale told me. I had not felt strong enough to handle this information for some time. And yes, it was a higher number than I want (176.00) but I am okay. None of the diets I try work long term, The one diet last year that was successful... I am admitting to myself was what caused me to lose my hair and feel even worse health wise. Last night I felt very very low, comparing myself to all the skinny actresses I saw on screen. But I have also started a Yoga journey to become certified to teach. In diving deeper into yoga, one of the key concepts that really resonated with me is "I AM THAT" or, I am one with the universe, or I am the divine. My name Diane means Divine. I never really made any connection until now. I already believe that my soul is divine because I truly believe that I am a good person and leaps above others in terms of kindness and empathy. However, I am leaps behind others in physical self confidence. So now is my chance to treat my body as divine........... which will include how I fuel it. So my focus will not be on the restrictions, such as "I can only eat 1,000 calories per day" or "I won't eat carbs".... but rather it will be treating my body as if I want it to last a long time. I will eat what I think my body needs, and not deprive it. I will exercise as much as I can, which will include walking, running, and yoga.  And this physically care will include mental care such as yoga knowledge and pleasure reading. And after this two week period, I will notice how my body has changed.

I'll write each day to keep the intention of my actions. I will not worry about the record or audience (which I have done in the past) but rather the cathartic action of writing with intention. I enjoy writing when I don't worry about myself or others looking back at it later. It's a good tool to work out my own thoughts and ideas, and at this time, encourage myself to remember that I AM DIVINE.

When I obtain my Yoga certification, I will get another tattoo on my arm to work on the sleeve. I'm not sure what it will be yet but I'm going to drop ideas here as well. 

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