So, This Is It

 Sometimes I wish that I didn't have any schoolwork to do. That in the extra time I had at night I could get more work done (like for my job) or GOD FORBID relax without feeling like I'm wasting time. Guilty for not doing something I should be doing. But I'm so close to completing this degree and I will be so freaking proud when *and I almost edited this out* I can tell people I have a Masters Degree from Penn State University. I EARNED THIS. I thought it sounded bad to say that it was so I could tell people, but it is partially true. I will be proud that I worked that hard and accomplished it, but part of that in reality is being able to share that with others. Having that framed degree on my wall that says "hey, I worked really hard and earned something." Maybe that is because most of the time I work really hard and don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I don't have a better job, salary, house, partner, car, bank account, physical well-being, o...

 In my first post, I wrote as if the intention was for audiences to come along this journey with me. However, I realize that this journey really needs to be for myself. The real challenge for me is being okay with who I am. I need to be able to write without criticizing every word and talk without pausing to make sure everything I say is perfect. I am okay the way I am. It’s starting to get out of control. So while this can be read by others, the intention of this blog is really for me to be able to display who I am without criticism. One statement that I need to be okay with is that I won’t write here every day. That is okay. I won’t be perfect about writing my STATS. I really struggled with depression today. When I woke up I thought about taking the day off from work. Throughout the day I thought about saying I had a “headache” and actually just sleeping. I think about this a lot but I rarely ever do it. The story of the boy who cried wolf gets to my moral compass too much to do ...

We start off today with the sun shinging, some (gluten-free) cinnamon-raisin toast, and yogurt with bloobs. A big thermos of icey-cold water because of course I won't drink it otherwise. I can make some big life changes but don't ever ask me to drink room temperature water.  I've got my bohemian head wrap on to keep my ear-buds in. I've rigged up my phone to constantly stream SXM's "The Spectrum" in my ears so that I don't ever hear the outside world. Whatever makes me suseptible to migraines has also made me so sensitive to sound, light, and smell. I do my best to control those over-stimulations with earbuds, sunglasses, and essential oils. As you can imagine I have tons of friends who love spending time with the suspicious-looking rock star who wafts patchuli oils and keeps saying "what"? I gave myself the first injection of AMOVIG today. I am anxious about any side effects that might occur. They say three percent of patients experience sev...

Photo Credit: migrainetrust.org I was granted a new start today. I have been experiencing migraines since I was an over-achieving 15-year old of the early 2000s complete with roll-on glitter and Anxiety about terrorists. I was sitting in my math class when suddenly I could not see the second half of the alphabet chart that was tacked accross the markerboard and brightly lit with fluorescent light. The next 20 years were a mixed bag of excruciating migraines, persistent headaches, vision loss, depression, anxiety, and everything in between. No cocktail of drugs from the east or west solved the problem. No lifestyle change relieved the pain. So I learned to live with it, until this year when it got so bad that I was no longer living. Regardless of a cutback in gluten and increase of meditation...I. was. miserable. Today I saw a Duke neurologist who told me that CGRPs are constantly being produced in my brain causing migraines multiple times a week, headaches in between, and constant sens...