True Colors

 In my first post, I wrote as if the intention was for audiences to come along this journey with me. However, I realize that this journey really needs to be for myself. The real challenge for me is being okay with who I am. I need to be able to write without criticizing every word and talk without pausing to make sure everything I say is perfect. I am okay the way I am. It’s starting to get out of control. So while this can be read by others, the intention of this blog is really for me to be able to display who I am without criticism.

One statement that I need to be okay with is that I won’t write here every day. That is okay. I won’t be perfect about writing my STATS.

I really struggled with depression today. When I woke up I thought about taking the day off from work. Throughout the day I thought about saying I had a “headache” and actually just sleeping. I think about this a lot but I rarely ever do it. The story of the boy who cried wolf gets to my moral compass too much to do this. However, I also don’t allow myself breaks as I feel too guilty. I really need to find a middle ground. 

I reached out to an old boyfriend today just to see how he was doing. I’m not sure why I did it. I think I just missed him, as I don’t have intentions of getting back together with him. I don’t regret any of the break ups I’ve initiated with partners. Still to this day I know each one was the right thing to do and don’t want to be back in a relationship with any of them. However, I do find myself able to appreciate now who they are as people, and generally forgiving all ill will towards them. This is with the exception of two relationships. 

The exception to missing being in a relationship is with my partner of seven years, of whom I had a domestic partnership with. I sometimes find myself not only missing who he was as a person but also missing the relationship we had. The exception to forgiving ill will is to towards the man who told me he loved me while he was fully married with three children, the youngest of which was 6-mo old with a severe health condition. When I found out his real name and family situation, I ended everything. While I generally don’t think about that situation from about a year and a half ago, those emotions were stirred up some tonight. While I was cleaning up the contacts on my phone I started unblocking unnecessary numbers and went down a rabbit hole. A few minutes of facebook searching later and I realize his wife is now pretty pregnant with their fourth child. Any convincing that he may have tried to do before that he and his wife may have been on the path to separation was now long gone and now replaced by anger. Maybe someday I’ll be so totally honest that I could post the family photo here. But Instead of ruining that poor woman and children’s lives, I acknowledged how shitty I felt (something that is VERY hard for me to do in the moment) and said to myself, I don’t WANT to be with him, I’m okay. And I sat out on my porch and breathed in the smell of some herbs. That too, I won’t be ashamed of anymore.

Because the truth is, I AM okay. I am pretty happy without these harmful people in my life. I sometimes get lonely, but I think that has more to do with the pandemic than not being in a relationship. If I could get out and do stuff, I have a lot of people who love me that I can spend time with. I can’t forget that. I won’t let bad people beat me.